What Does It Mean To Be Faithful?

Since I was young - I have been a believer of Christ. My parents raised me to be actively engaged in the church and later in college I became connected with a very active ministry. I've been approached by a few people regarding our faith through our adoption story. And it made me think - what does it mean to be a faithful?

For me, remaining faithful means living a life that is pleasing to the Lord. While I have doubts about my own ability to keep my eyes upon the Lord, I know without a doubt that the good Lord has been right beside us in our journey. He hears our prayers and knows the desires of our hearts. The love and peace that comes from my God is something that I do not deserve but I'm so glad that I have. I know that when the storms of life are present, I am not alone. I also know that when times are happy and prayers have been answered that I will become even more deeply rooted in my faith.

I think it's a struggle as a Christian to remain as "faithful" or joyful when times are good. Most of the times - it's the swirling storm and the rain in life that brings us to our knees and reminds us where to set our sights. The focus must be on the Lord - for He makes everything beautiful in his own time. My story has been written by the Father and it's up to me to be a faithful follower, knowing that he would never abandon or forsake me.

I saw a saying the other day that said - "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?" It's a reminder that even through the storm, the Lord has abundantly blessed us with health, jobs, family, laughter and most of all Grace. I am thankful for our trials because they draw us towards the Father!

My faith comes from the understanding that the Lord has provided me with a Grace that I am undeserving of. I hope that my light will shine bright for the glory of God!

I would also like to ask for continued prayers...this journey is not an easy one!

Preparing

A couple months ago we did the unthinkable. We did something I never said I would do while we were waiting for a match. We bought some baby stuff. Yes, me, the crazy planner who doesn't want to be reminded of our wait, bought baby items. And I didn't just buy one baby item, I bought FOUR! Yikes! We bought a super fancy stroller that I'm so excited about! I can't wait to use it. Well - maybe it's not the Rolls Royce of strollers but it will accomodidate two children one day. We also bought a car seat, a crib and our crib mattress. I have a little list of "must have" items that I'm trying to buy as we go along. Right now all our baby stuff is sitting in a corner of the basement just waiting to be assembled.

I have big plans for a nursery. I'm just trying to decide when I will actually start on it. I want to put up some trim in the room and just leave everything else unpainted until we bring a baby home. Maybe one of these days I will get the courage to move forward. I know for certain that we will not put our crib together or actually assemble the nursery until we have a baby. It would be just too much for me to walk by that room every day. In the meantime, I'm storing away lots of inspiration photos for a nursery!

I will admit that I had a slight panic attack as I purchased our stroller and car seat. It was a huge decision for me to move forward with buying baby stuff without having a match in place. However, I am SO glad that we're planning ahead. It has definitely minimized some of the anxiety of having huge expenses when we get a match. It still feels strange to have large baby items appearing on my doorstep when we don't have a child but at the same time I know this is necessary. It's necessary for me to step outside my comfort zone and just go with my instincts. My instincts definitely say that buying baby stuff (even if it just sits in the basement for now) will pay off when we receive a match.

I have also purchased several children's books about adoption. I cannot wait to build a little library full of books for our child!

Although I had reservations about purchasing anything for a baby I am so glad that we decided to move forward. It brings a sense of reality to our journey - it's more than just talking about having a family one day. Seeing all the baby boxes is a reminder of what's in store for the near future!

Remaining Faithful

This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine. When I'm having a bad day, you better believe this song is on repeat...over and over again!



We're still here - still waiting! We've been enjoying the beginning of summer with our family and friends. With Wesley's crazy work schedule we've been trying to carve out some quality time together. We've been soaking up the summer and how it goes by so fast!

We haven't had much movement from our adoption agency. Nothing new - just somewhat discouraging when you don't hear anything for months on end. However, we have been blessed to have friends come forward with their infertility stories and it's a quiet reminder that we're not alone. Some of our friends are trying to conceive with difficulty, some have experienced the joy of adoption firsthand and others are getting ready to experience parenthood for the first time. I know that I've recently had to re-focus my faith through this process. I've had a tough couple of weeks and while I wouldn't say I was broken - I found myself on my knees, praying for strength and praying for patience.

We have applied for several adoption grants over the last month. These grants would help defray the actual cost of our adoption. Most of these agencies are Christian ministries that desire to help families with their adoption costs. I have no idea if we make too much money but it doesn't hurt to try! We're praying and we know that the Lord will provide for us!

It's not always easy

Some days are harder than others....

Wait"
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me When darkness
and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Good News!

It's official! We are on the wait list for a baby! We completed our home study on Valentine's Day and we're so glad to put all the paperwork and meetings behind us. Our home study consisted of a couples meeting, an individual meeting for each of us and a home visit with our social worker. Our home study is a very large, detailed document that consists of our background (where we grew up, our families, etc), our marriage, our religious background, our financial history, our thoughts on adoption etc etc etc. This document will be presented to the judge whenever we finalize our adoption. The potential birth parents also view this document with any of our "identifying information" redacted. We are just beyond excited at the prospect of having a child. We could be waiting a week or a year. It's hard to tell and each birth mom is looking for unique factors when making an adoption plan. However, we continue to pray and know that everything will fall into place when the timing is right.

Our hearts are so full. I don't know if I have ever felt this joyous or happy in my life. Our lives are filled with love from our family and friends and we are blessed with the all the emotional support we have received throughout the process. While infertility is heartbreaking, the strength that we have gained as a couple is immeasurable. I truly feel like this marriage, this life we are creating, is more than I could have ever hoped for. My faith is strong, my heart is full, and we are looking forward to a bright future. Even though we are very excited to be moving forward in the process, I feel fortunate to spend this "preparation" time with Wesley. We are preparing ourselves spiritually and emotionally for parenthood. Our bond as husband and wife has grown and I know we will face what the future brings together because we have already been blessed with so much.

Our journey into adoption is just beginning but we couldn't have made it this far without our family and friends. It seems like support has come out of the woodwork and kindness has been shown to us from both unlikely and familiar sources. Sometimes a bad day, a sad day, was changed by a phone call or small words of encouragement from family and friends. I doubt our friends realize how much they mean to us and how they have kept us going over the past nine months. I know that "thank you" cannot begin to express our gratitude and yet we want to say thank you for all the love that has come our way. Continue praying for us and we are certain we will soon be sharing a little bundle of joy with all of you in the future!

Waiting...

It's been a few months since we updated the blog. This is mainly due to one large issue...we're STILL waiting on our fingerprints to return from the FBI. It's been close to 11 weeks. So, if any of you out there reading this has a hook up at the FBI go ahead and give them a call. Just saying...we're getting a little impatient around here. I know that our adoption of a child isn't quite on the high priority list at the FBI but I'm tired of waiting.

Basically, we're stuck in limbo until we get the prints back. We cannot move forward with the home study until all the background information has been cleared. I'm DYING to get on the active list with the agency so we can be considered for babies. Patience is overrated!! Hopefully we will get the rest of our home study done quickly - my goal is by the end of January providing our prints are returned anytime in the near future.

Wesley and I have been doing lots of research in the meantime. We feel like we have a pretty solid game plan going forward. We're going to stick with Catholic Charities until summer and if we're unsuccessful we're seriously contemplating using an agency out of KC that has a very quick turnaround time. However, the price tag on the KC agency is double (plus some) of our adoption with Catholic Charities. The KC agency is called American Adoptions and I've had two lengthy conversations with a social worker there and I'm very impressed. If anyone has a great fundraising idea that will net us about $20k - feel free to share it with us :-)

I must say that I've gained a lot of insight during the past couple months. During Christmas Eve service at church Father Mark repeatedly said that when baby Jesus was born the people were told "Do not be afraid". I think this is going to become my mantra during this process. There are so many things that make me afraid to adopt. The mental/physical/emotional health of the baby and Wesley and me are just the tip of the iceberg. However, I know that the good Lord has a plan that is beyond our wildest dreams. So, I'm looking into 2011 with the reminder that I am not to be afraid of the work and timing of God.

2010 has been a roller coaster of emotions. We started 2010 in our little apartment...just me and Wesley. We've since adopted a dog, each found new jobs (that we are beyond excited about...we've meet some amazing people through work), started our adoption and bought a house. We are blessed beyond measure and I am thankful every day!

Wesley is in the home stretch of the academy. He graduates in a few short days...January 6th. He will be a fully commissioned officer with the City of St. Louis. We're starting 2011 off with a bang! I'm so excited and proud of my husband. He has worked unbelievably hard at school and he's met some friends that have made the experience enjoyable (well - as enjoyable as it can be). My hope is that he finds fulfillment in his career and that the friendships he has developed will be lasting.

We will keep everyone updated once our FBI prints come back! We can't wait to get the ball rolling. In the meantime, dear college friends of mine are currently in the waiting period to adopt a child. They've had several hits on their profiles but nothing has come to fruition. Please send prayers their way so that they will have a successful match and be able to bring a baby home soon!!

The Baby That's Meant to Be

Holy Home Study! We are completely swamped with paperwork. Who would ever thing our lives are so interesting? We have filled out autobiographies, self-evaluations, couple evaluations, birth-mom and baby evaluations and anything else you can think of. We'll be getting FBI fingerprints and physicals. We're taking the pets to the vet. All these things are being done in preparation of little feet one day!

I can't say that this "paperwork" process has been stress-free. It's actually been quite the opposite. I had a mini meltdown at work the other day when I was feeling overwhelmed by the birth-mom/baby evaluation. Imagine four pages of answering yes/no/maybe to questions such as these:

Are you okay with the birth mom being an alcoholic?
Are you okay with the baby being exposed to crack, cocaine, meth, etc. etc. ect.
Are you okay with a white/black/asian/hispanic/jewish baby. Yes it really did ask about Jewish babies. I think the significance is a little lost on me.
Are you okay with various mental illness/disfigurement/birth defects?

The list just went on and on. I feel so guilty - like I'm baby shopping. For example, if Wesley and I were able to get pregnant and we had a child that had down syndrome or some type of learning/mental disorder we would not love that child any less than a "healthy" baby. However, during adoption you are able (if you choose) to rule out all these things. Of course we want a healthy baby. The reality of the situation is that we must be open to a variety of things in order to get a child.

The day I called the adoption worker she told me they just had a baby born the night before. The mom decided after delivery that she didn't want the baby. I was thinking how great that was - until the social worker told me that the birth mom admitted to doing crack every single day of her pregnancy. I can only imagine the troubles this baby will face from the onset. Wesley and I are faced with big decisions like that up front. Would we be okay with it? I mean, the doctors thought the baby was functioning at a high level and didn't show immediate signs of major mental disabilities. I feel bad at the thought that one day we might get a call like that. I'm not sure what we would do. It really freaked me out.

Then - in the midst of my freak out a friend posted a link on facebook about an adopted baby that most certainly would have died without the love of strangers. It helped me remember that God is going to provide us the child that is meant to be. There are no "do overs" or "returns" in adoption - only love and the stress that comes with any form of parenting. It doesn't matter how much I stress over the right baby...just like in pregnancy...I don't hold the cards for the worlds most perfect child. When I let my brain take over, sometimes its hard to hear God amidst all the background noise that I'm so good at producing :-) It's unfortunate that a lot of adoption horror stories are posted on the internet when the successes far outweigh the bad. Sometimes Google is not your friend.

So, Wesley and I will be finishing up all our paperwork in the next week which means we will move onto the interview process with the social worker. One individual interview for each of us, one to two couple interviews and a home visit!

Isaiah's Story from 31Films on Vimeo.