My Own Naivety

I’m sitting here in front of the computer at a loss for words.  It seems that reality has really hit me.  As a new momma, I don’t make time for a lot of things…tv being one of them.  My DVR has become hopelessly backed up, with many of my favorite shows still in the queue from months ago.  It’s just the way of life.  My son comes first.  I would rather be spending time with him than watching tv.  What this also means is that I’m largely cutoff from the news and current events. 

I’m sitting here reading some of my favorite blogs and I’m reading the story of Trayvon and finally connecting the dots.  Just because Ben is with a white family does not give him the protection of being white.  Everywhere we go people tell me how cute my son is and what an angel he is.  At what point will we stop getting the smiles and start getting the stares of suspicion?  I feel like I’ve had blinders on, mostly due to my naivety.  My skin color has afforded me the luxury of a life void of discrimination.  What if, 15 years from now, my son’s face is on the news…just like Trayvon?  My hands are shaking as I write this because it’s honestly, something I’ve never considered and I feel so foolish.  My heart is breaking at the thought that my son, at some point in his life, will be judged first and foremost by the color of his skin. 

I’m linking to a blog post that is disturbing to me on many levels.  http://johnson-mccormick.com/2012/03/and-you-wonder-why-i-dress-my-boys-the-way-i-do/  Part of me doesn’t want to perpetuate the cycle of discrimination by trying to make my sweet little black boy “as white as he can be” and yet part of me knows there is truth in what she’s saying.  For now, I get to enjoy the promise of our future as a family without the burden of discrimination.  And yet, I sit here wondering when it will be our turn to defend our son.

We were getting ice cream the other night and there was a white family a few cars down from us who couldn’t keep their eyes off us.  Yes folks, I know we’re an interracial family…thanks for noticing.  I’m able to not give it much thought because (1) those people and their ignorance are not worthy of my time and (2) Ben is oblivious to what is going on.  There will be a point in time where the stares are no longer acceptable and my momma bear instinct will want to come out and protect Ben.  I guess it just never occurred to me that he will have to grow up without his white momma by his side and he will solely be judge on the fact that he’s a black man. 

Maybe in the years to come progress will be made.  But, after reading about Trayvon my heart is heavy.  I want to protect my angel from all of life’s hardships but knowing that he will face a discrimination so fierce, so life changing is something I can only hope to guide him through, as it’s something I’ve never faced myself.

My Picket Fence

“Once, a long time ago, I had a white picket fence, but it fell down. And while I didn’t choose the crazy-colored one that was erected in its place, I had grown to love it. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you can never ever go wrong with vibrant color.”

This fantastic quote is from one of my favorite bloggers…Kelle Hampton.  Her blog is beautiful, funny and poignant and I’m terribly excited for her book to come out in April.  I feel connected to this quote.  I read it weeks ago and it’s been sitting in the back of my mind, reminding me that the white picket fence might fall down, but what is replaced is much more beautiful.  Our adoption journey started out as devastating and has turned into the most beautiful blessing of my life. I still struggle, at times, with not conceiving a child but when I look at my son, it fades into the back of my mind.  He’s mine…just as if he came from my body!  The love I have for him is so overwhelming it makes me wonder if I could ever love another child the way that I love him. 

Although I desperately wanted the white picket fence outside my door, the Lord knew better.  My faith is strong because I have witnessed firsthand what following His lead will bring.  It has brought abounding joy to our family, greater than anything I could have imagined.

Embrace the colored-fence!  It’s a beautiful thing.    

Spreading a Little Valentine's Day Love

Today I celebrate my valentine, the person who STILL gives me butterflies after all these years.  It’s crazy to think we’ve been together 7.5 years and I’m as crazy about him today as I was the day we met.  My husband is my rock, the force that keeps me moving forward and the person who has expanded my heart.  Wesley, I often say, has so many qualities that I admire.  His patience, his understanding, the way that he loves people just as they are.  He has taught me so much about love, about releasing insecurities, and trusting completely.  He’s the man that I fall madly in love with every time I see him with our son. 

A little secret, I hate Valentine’s Day.  Like, let’s pretend it’s not happening…no card, no chocolates, no flowers, nothing.  I expressly told this to my sweet husband yesterday.  I didn’t get him a card, a gift, nothing.  I don’t feel guilty about it, I just don’t get into the whole “made up” holiday of sorts.   True to form, this morning, my lovely husband had a small gift and card waiting for me.  Love him…so much…Valentine’s Day not so much.  But, no matter how much I don’t give into the gift giving, I do take the opportunity to celebrate the wonderful husband and father that he is.  My life is blessed and I’m acutely aware, now more than ever, that these blessings can be taken at a moment’s notice.  I fully intended to love on my boys today, at least from afar.  I’m at work and Wesley is working the night shift tonight.  Sigh.  The life of a police officer’s wife.

 Happy Valentine’s Day!

An Open Adoption

There is quite the misconception about birthmother’s out there.  While I understand that there are lots of women who are drug dependent/unstable/teenagers etc that might choose adoption for their child, that is not our story.  Brittany is the opposite of the stereotype.  She is young, but not a teenager.  She is enrolled in college and gets good grades.  She is a mom to her sweet little boy who is almost 2.  She has made some mistakes but she is a responsible adult trying to make the most of her circumstances.  Would Ben have been able to function with her caring for him, absolutely.  Did she want something more for him, absolutely. 

I was terrified that we were going to be matched with a mother who wanted no contact after birth.  That was my greatest fear.  There is a quiet hope for me in open adoption.  A hope that Brittany’s heart can feel fuller, knowing how to reach us and check in with Ben.  There is a hope that Ben won’t have as many issues being adopted because he knows where he came from. 

 Many people ask us what our adoption looks like and to be honest, it’s a work in progress.  We are just starting out on this journey and we’re trying to navigate the waters.  What I do know, as long as Brittany continues to be a positive person in Ben’s life, she has a place with us.  We send updates via email back and forth a couple times per month.  We have agreed to visits 3-4 times a year or as we feel comfortable.  Do I hope this relationship will grow outside of those parameters, yes, because I see the benefit for Ben.  I think a misconception is that Brittany will try to “mother” my child and it isn’t the case.  She is elated to see his progress and see how he’s doing but she in no way intrudes on our parenting experience.  And I love her for that. 

There is also the tight rope that we’re walking….after all…adoption isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.  I’m acutely aware that whether Brittany shows the after-effects of the adoption to us, that they are there.  It’s a fine line between wanting to share our happiness and recognizing the amazing sacrifice she made.  Since Brittany didn’t know she was pregnant, I’m not sure how much she “bonded” with Ben but I cannot discount that her adoption plan didn’t cause pain, on some level.  I also have issues that I’m trying to work through…issues surrounding Ben’s birth as well as the pressure I feel from being an adoptive mother.  It’s always a work-in-progress.

I love open adoption and I think it’s healthy for everyone involved, including Wesley and I.  The more we get to know Brittany, the better we understand her circumstances and the better we can educate Ben when questions arise.  I’m hoping for a deep, meaningful relationship with her and only time will tell what that will look like but for now, we continue to navigate through the waters in hope of creating something very special.

How Easy It Is To Forget

I read LOTS of blogs (home improvement/decorating/adoption/family etc) and lately I’ve noticed an uprising of women expressing how painful the wait can be, whether it’s the wait to get pregnant or the wait for the “call”.  I think back to the time when I felt so broken and it doesn’t seem real.  At this moment in my life, I feel complete and full.  The Lord has blessed me abundantly and I feel it every day.  Sometimes when I think back to those darker, sadder days I have a hard time picturing myself and my state of mind.  I can remember fervently praying for our little one…thinking about who he or she was.  I can remember the silent tears running down my face as the wait grew longer and longer.  I can remember all of these things but I can’t remember the aching pain.  It’s gone.  The Lord has filled my hearts desire and I am no longer stuck in that place.
 

To all these women who are waiting know that there are so many people out there praying for you.  I have no advice on how to make the pain go away except to draw near to the Lord.  He holds the answers and the timing.  And from someone on the other side, it’s well worth the wait.  The Lord makes no mistakes!  I truly believe that all the heartache we went through (finding out we couldn’t conceive and then waiting and waiting) has made me much more aware of my blessings and I do my best to not take any of it for granted.  Don’t let the enemy poison your hearts with negative thoughts and emotions…keep your eyes upon the Lord for he has SO many blessings in store for you.  My heart breaks when I think about your pain but I'm praying for your miracle to come along!

He has made everything beautiful in His time (Ecc 3:11)

Woomp Woomp

It was bound to happen.  We’ve been riding the positive adoption wave too long.  I got our first “snarky” comment about my sweet angel on facebook this week.  Apparently my facebook is not on lock down, as it should be and I’ve sense remedied the issue.  I had posted a photo of Ben with a friend MONTHS ago.  However, a girl who is a friend of my friend (this girl is someone I’ve never met) decided to comment about the color of my child’s skin, in that it was too dark.  Now, I don’t think the jab was directly related to Ben or us, I think it was to our friend tagged in the photo with Ben.  One of those backhanded type comments.  My blood was boiling and I very nicely responded that I didn’t appreciate the comments regarding my son. 

To give our friend credit, she immediately sent me a private message explaining that this girl was a wackadoo and that I shouldn’t pay attention to her.  I find it interesting that people would remain friends with the “crazies” on facebook if they are in fact crazy.  All it creates is unnecessary drama.  I decided the best thing to do was just delete the comment thread and change my privacy settings.  I was a bit heartbroken because this is what Ben is going to deal with his entire life and it’s not fair.  I mean, how many people typically comment that my skin is too white?  I don’t think I’ve ever had anything said to me about the color of my skin BECAUSE I’m white.  But, my poor innocent little lovie was caught up in the issues between our friend and this random girl.  Not cool and quite the eye opener to this mama.  I know that Ben is accepted in our family and circle of friends and we get nothing but love from them but it’s interesting to see how flippantly an outsider can comment about a baby’s appearance and think nothing of it.  Knife to the heart my friends. 

When is Good Good Enough?

As an adoptive mama I’ve been wrestling with giving the best to my child.  What is the best for my child?  I feel, in a way, that Brittany chose us as parents so that we could provide Ben with the things that she cannot.  I feel the commitment and pressure to provide nothing but the best for him.  But, what is really best?  Is it best that I stay at home with him?  Is it best that I work so that I can help provide for our family?  I haven’t found an answer and I feel these thoughts weighing heavily on my heart.  I know that most mom’s probably struggle with this, but for me, as an adoptive mom, I feel it tenfold.  I feel like I have promised Brittany that I would do nothing but provide the very best that I can.  The question remains…what are the boundaries for providing the “best?”.

I grew up in a very loving household and we did not want for anything.  Wesley grew up the same way.  Looking back to my childhood, I wonder how my parents made it look so effortless.  They were young parents and it couldn’t have been easy for them to always provide the “best” for us.  Certainly they struggled at some point too.  Obviously I never knew about it if they did. 

I’m hoping this is just some new mom anxiety that will pass and I will become comfortable in the boundaries of what Wesley and I can provide – we may not live in the lap of luxury but I do think that we have a wonderful life that is filled with love, laughter, family and faith.  I’m just feeling some “mommy” guilt for not having all the answers.  However, I’m wondering how many adoptive mommy’s feel the pressure to provide nothing but the best?