Monday, June 27, 2011

The Frustration of Adoption

If I'm being honest- the whole adoption process is frustrating from beginning to end. You start out by researching all these agencies only to discover that it will cost an arm and a leg to actually adopt a child. It doesn't matter if you choose domestic or international adoption - it all comes down to money. There are fees for your fingerprints and background checks, vet appointments, doctor appointments and blood tests. There are more fees for your homestudy and legal fees and agency fees etc etc etc. It seems like the fees are never ending.

Aside from the financial aspect - the homestudy is completely overwhelming. We are very lucky to be working with a social worker who is so supportive and sweet. I want to let it be know that I don't feel judged with her. BUT - the homestudy is very invasive. We had to talk about our childhood, our marriage, our finances, how we will discipline and our faith. We had to have our worker come out to our house to make sure it was fit for children. We also had to read a book about open adoption. The entire process is emotionally overwhelming. I don't know any pregnant women (regardless of how "fit" they are to parent) that needs to have multiple check-in's with a social worker to make sure they will be an okay parent. I think what's most frustrating is that I know we are going to be fabulous parents. We both come from stable childhoods and we have the same long-term goals for our family.

Now that we are on the wait list - the frustration seems to be mounting. I respect the adoption process and understand why the birth mom has all the control, as she should. She is making the biggest sacrifice for her child and she should have complete control over the process but it doesn't make it any less frustrating for us. All the birth mom gets to see is our homestudy report and a little profile book that is full of our photos and information about our family. That's it. I know that every mom is looking for something different but it's so hard to know that I have no control in how it plays out.

The real frustration comes down to "control". I know that the birth mom has the control in the situation but I really do believe that God's fingerprints will be all over our adoption story. I know that He has our birth mom picked out that the He is directing the path. It's really hard to walk by faith sometimes, even though I know in my heart of hearts that this is a great lesson the Lord is teaching me. Patience and faith...I am forever learning patience and faith.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

What Does It Mean To Be Faithful?

Since I was young - I have been a believer of Christ. My parents raised me to be actively engaged in the church and later in college I became connected with a very active ministry. I've been approached by a few people regarding our faith through our adoption story. And it made me think - what does it mean to be a faithful?

For me, remaining faithful means living a life that is pleasing to the Lord. While I have doubts about my own ability to keep my eyes upon the Lord, I know without a doubt that the good Lord has been right beside us in our journey. He hears our prayers and knows the desires of our hearts. The love and peace that comes from my God is something that I do not deserve but I'm so glad that I have. I know that when the storms of life are present, I am not alone. I also know that when times are happy and prayers have been answered that I will become even more deeply rooted in my faith.

I think it's a struggle as a Christian to remain as "faithful" or joyful when times are good. Most of the times - it's the swirling storm and the rain in life that brings us to our knees and reminds us where to set our sights. The focus must be on the Lord - for He makes everything beautiful in his own time. My story has been written by the Father and it's up to me to be a faithful follower, knowing that he would never abandon or forsake me.

I saw a saying the other day that said - "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?" It's a reminder that even through the storm, the Lord has abundantly blessed us with health, jobs, family, laughter and most of all Grace. I am thankful for our trials because they draw us towards the Father!

My faith comes from the understanding that the Lord has provided me with a Grace that I am undeserving of. I hope that my light will shine bright for the glory of God!

I would also like to ask for continued prayers...this journey is not an easy one!

Monday, June 13, 2011


A couple months ago we did the unthinkable. We did something I never said I would do while we were waiting for a match. We bought some baby stuff. Yes, me, the crazy planner who doesn't want to be reminded of our wait, bought baby items. And I didn't just buy one baby item, I bought FOUR! Yikes! We bought a super fancy stroller that I'm so excited about! I can't wait to use it. Well - maybe it's not the Rolls Royce of strollers but it will accomodidate two children one day. We also bought a car seat, a crib and our crib mattress. I have a little list of "must have" items that I'm trying to buy as we go along. Right now all our baby stuff is sitting in a corner of the basement just waiting to be assembled.

I have big plans for a nursery. I'm just trying to decide when I will actually start on it. I want to put up some trim in the room and just leave everything else unpainted until we bring a baby home. Maybe one of these days I will get the courage to move forward. I know for certain that we will not put our crib together or actually assemble the nursery until we have a baby. It would be just too much for me to walk by that room every day. In the meantime, I'm storing away lots of inspiration photos for a nursery!

I will admit that I had a slight panic attack as I purchased our stroller and car seat. It was a huge decision for me to move forward with buying baby stuff without having a match in place. However, I am SO glad that we're planning ahead. It has definitely minimized some of the anxiety of having huge expenses when we get a match. It still feels strange to have large baby items appearing on my doorstep when we don't have a child but at the same time I know this is necessary. It's necessary for me to step outside my comfort zone and just go with my instincts. My instincts definitely say that buying baby stuff (even if it just sits in the basement for now) will pay off when we receive a match.

I have also purchased several children's books about adoption. I cannot wait to build a little library full of books for our child!

Although I had reservations about purchasing anything for a baby I am so glad that we decided to move forward. It brings a sense of reality to our journey - it's more than just talking about having a family one day. Seeing all the baby boxes is a reminder of what's in store for the near future!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Remaining Faithful

This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine. When I'm having a bad day, you better believe this song is on repeat...over and over again!

We're still here - still waiting! We've been enjoying the beginning of summer with our family and friends. With Wesley's crazy work schedule we've been trying to carve out some quality time together. We've been soaking up the summer and how it goes by so fast!

We haven't had much movement from our adoption agency. Nothing new - just somewhat discouraging when you don't hear anything for months on end. However, we have been blessed to have friends come forward with their infertility stories and it's a quiet reminder that we're not alone. Some of our friends are trying to conceive with difficulty, some have experienced the joy of adoption firsthand and others are getting ready to experience parenthood for the first time. I know that I've recently had to re-focus my faith through this process. I've had a tough couple of weeks and while I wouldn't say I was broken - I found myself on my knees, praying for strength and praying for patience.

We have applied for several adoption grants over the last month. These grants would help defray the actual cost of our adoption. Most of these agencies are Christian ministries that desire to help families with their adoption costs. I have no idea if we make too much money but it doesn't hurt to try! We're praying and we know that the Lord will provide for us!