Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Spreading a Little Valentine's Day Love

Today I celebrate my valentine, the person who STILL gives me butterflies after all these years.  It’s crazy to think we’ve been together 7.5 years and I’m as crazy about him today as I was the day we met.  My husband is my rock, the force that keeps me moving forward and the person who has expanded my heart.  Wesley, I often say, has so many qualities that I admire.  His patience, his understanding, the way that he loves people just as they are.  He has taught me so much about love, about releasing insecurities, and trusting completely.  He’s the man that I fall madly in love with every time I see him with our son. 

A little secret, I hate Valentine’s Day.  Like, let’s pretend it’s not happening…no card, no chocolates, no flowers, nothing.  I expressly told this to my sweet husband yesterday.  I didn’t get him a card, a gift, nothing.  I don’t feel guilty about it, I just don’t get into the whole “made up” holiday of sorts.   True to form, this morning, my lovely husband had a small gift and card waiting for me.  Love him…so much…Valentine’s Day not so much.  But, no matter how much I don’t give into the gift giving, I do take the opportunity to celebrate the wonderful husband and father that he is.  My life is blessed and I’m acutely aware, now more than ever, that these blessings can be taken at a moment’s notice.  I fully intended to love on my boys today, at least from afar.  I’m at work and Wesley is working the night shift tonight.  Sigh.  The life of a police officer’s wife.

 Happy Valentine’s Day!

Monday, February 13, 2012

An Open Adoption

There is quite the misconception about birthmother’s out there.  While I understand that there are lots of women who are drug dependent/unstable/teenagers etc that might choose adoption for their child, that is not our story.  Brittany is the opposite of the stereotype.  She is young, but not a teenager.  She is enrolled in college and gets good grades.  She is a mom to her sweet little boy who is almost 2.  She has made some mistakes but she is a responsible adult trying to make the most of her circumstances.  Would Ben have been able to function with her caring for him, absolutely.  Did she want something more for him, absolutely. 

I was terrified that we were going to be matched with a mother who wanted no contact after birth.  That was my greatest fear.  There is a quiet hope for me in open adoption.  A hope that Brittany’s heart can feel fuller, knowing how to reach us and check in with Ben.  There is a hope that Ben won’t have as many issues being adopted because he knows where he came from. 

 Many people ask us what our adoption looks like and to be honest, it’s a work in progress.  We are just starting out on this journey and we’re trying to navigate the waters.  What I do know, as long as Brittany continues to be a positive person in Ben’s life, she has a place with us.  We send updates via email back and forth a couple times per month.  We have agreed to visits 3-4 times a year or as we feel comfortable.  Do I hope this relationship will grow outside of those parameters, yes, because I see the benefit for Ben.  I think a misconception is that Brittany will try to “mother” my child and it isn’t the case.  She is elated to see his progress and see how he’s doing but she in no way intrudes on our parenting experience.  And I love her for that. 

There is also the tight rope that we’re walking….after all…adoption isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.  I’m acutely aware that whether Brittany shows the after-effects of the adoption to us, that they are there.  It’s a fine line between wanting to share our happiness and recognizing the amazing sacrifice she made.  Since Brittany didn’t know she was pregnant, I’m not sure how much she “bonded” with Ben but I cannot discount that her adoption plan didn’t cause pain, on some level.  I also have issues that I’m trying to work through…issues surrounding Ben’s birth as well as the pressure I feel from being an adoptive mother.  It’s always a work-in-progress.

I love open adoption and I think it’s healthy for everyone involved, including Wesley and I.  The more we get to know Brittany, the better we understand her circumstances and the better we can educate Ben when questions arise.  I’m hoping for a deep, meaningful relationship with her and only time will tell what that will look like but for now, we continue to navigate through the waters in hope of creating something very special.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

How Easy It Is To Forget

I read LOTS of blogs (home improvement/decorating/adoption/family etc) and lately I’ve noticed an uprising of women expressing how painful the wait can be, whether it’s the wait to get pregnant or the wait for the “call”.  I think back to the time when I felt so broken and it doesn’t seem real.  At this moment in my life, I feel complete and full.  The Lord has blessed me abundantly and I feel it every day.  Sometimes when I think back to those darker, sadder days I have a hard time picturing myself and my state of mind.  I can remember fervently praying for our little one…thinking about who he or she was.  I can remember the silent tears running down my face as the wait grew longer and longer.  I can remember all of these things but I can’t remember the aching pain.  It’s gone.  The Lord has filled my hearts desire and I am no longer stuck in that place.
To all these women who are waiting know that there are so many people out there praying for you.  I have no advice on how to make the pain go away except to draw near to the Lord.  He holds the answers and the timing.  And from someone on the other side, it’s well worth the wait.  The Lord makes no mistakes!  I truly believe that all the heartache we went through (finding out we couldn’t conceive and then waiting and waiting) has made me much more aware of my blessings and I do my best to not take any of it for granted.  Don’t let the enemy poison your hearts with negative thoughts and emotions…keep your eyes upon the Lord for he has SO many blessings in store for you.  My heart breaks when I think about your pain but I'm praying for your miracle to come along!

He has made everything beautiful in His time (Ecc 3:11)