Finding My Voice

It probably seems that we are very open about our adoption experience and we are! We believe that sharing is a means of healing. Sharing also brings about a sense of fellowship. However, I've had to learn over the past year to allow the hurt to flow and that it's okay to cry. When I have really bad days I tend to get down on myself. I know that there are so many people out there with "real" problems - wives who have lost husbands in Iraq and Afghanistan, those facing a losing battle with cancer, families facing divorce and financial difficulties and then I think, who am I to be sad? What I have come to understand is that everyone is going through something. The infertility and adoption process is our cross to bear right now. There will be times in life that will, without doubt, be harder than what we are facing right now. But, I cannot minimize the pain that I feel or wish it to go away.

I have had a very successful (and I use that term loosely) past of pushing away very painful events and making them "okay". At some point, emotional neglect will catch up to you. Owning my hurt and acknowledging a sadness is not a sign of weakness. I have a loving husband who is beside me every step of the way, I have friends and family who want nothing more than to be there for us. It's just hard for me to depend on someone else for emotional support. I know that not everyone is interested in hearing about my problems but the people that love me will always be there for me.

I feel like this realization just hit me a few weeks ago. I was feeling very down and I didn't want to share with anyone, not even Wesley. And then, I made myself stop. My HUSBAND loves me and I can share anything with him. If I can't share my feelings with him then there is a problem. I have tried to make a conscious effort to be more open with those close to me - to ask for prayers and encouragement when I need it. It's a work in progress but acknowledging a problem is half the battle.