The Cross That I Carry

Adoption = Anxiety. From the get go I have felt bombarded with a million emotions. I struggle with keeping my anxiety in check. We go months and months without hearing from our agency and then the little voice of doubt starts to creep in. It feels like we're waiting for something that will never come. Everyday morning it's a struggle to not let the thoughts of "when" consume me. Do I believe in the Lord's perfect timing? Yes! Is it so hard to sit back and not have control? Yes! Would I completely mess things up if I did it my way? Yes! I believe all of these things with all my heart and yet I continue to struggle. My deepest desire is to become a mother. Then I start to think about all the things I have longed for...good friends...a boyfriend...graduating from college...a proposal...a healthy marriage...a job for Wesley...buying a home. The Lord, in his time, has granted everything that I ask of him. He knows the desires of my heart. Looking back everything happened in the exact way it was supposed to. I can remember all the stress we went through when Wes was looking for a police job. He now has a job he loves and all the stress is but a distant memory. I cannot wait for this stress to become a distant memory!

Sometimes I look at people and think that their life must be easy. But all I really see is that they are not carrying the same cross that I carry. How silly of me to assume that unloading my cross and picking up theirs would suddenly fill me with a sense of peace! My prayer is that I let go of the anxiety and the voice of doubt. I want to live a joyful, purposeful life. It's so easy to get stuck inside yourself where you start to dwell on everything you don't have instead of the blessings that have been granted. However, my heart aches for a precious child. It literally aches. The pain has the power to bring me to my knees but it has not destroyed me. I refuse to let this temporary cross I am carrying destroy me, my marriage, friendships, and most importantly, my relationship with God. I know that only He has the power to ease the ache and the pain. My cross is waiting patiently, in joy (not anxiety) for the biggest blessing from above. Somedays are just easier than others.