I Feel Unprepared

As a hopeful adoptive parent I try to prepare myself in many ways and yet, as I sit here, this crazy adoption ride we're on feels so much like a dream. It almost feels like a dream that will never materialize. I know we have baby gear sitting in our basement and that we have an empty room just waiting for a baby and yet, those dreams can somehow seem like they belong to someone else. What I really envy about pregnant women is that they can feel the presence of their child long before they give birth. It's like their maternal instincts get 9 whole months to develop...to know that they are working towards a goal. The hard part with preparing for adoption is that there is absolutely no way to know how long you will wait. There is no way to adequately prepare yourself, mind, body and soul for the changes that await. It's scary to wonder if I'm "really" ready for the challenge. I often sit and think about what type of mom I "hope" to be; not knowing if I'll ever come close to the vision I have in my head.

I think that's why prayer is so helpful to me. In my quiet place, I find rest and comfort. I know that I don't hold the answers and I know it's okay to be scared. Scared of the unknown. Heaven knows that I am a PLANNER. I like to plan things in advance, with no curve balls up ahead. What adoption promises is that you do not hold the cards, you do not call the shots and things definitely don't happen the way you plan for them to. I guess that's okay and it's a lesson that, truth be told, is probably preparing me for motherhood in a far better way than I realize. But, I still feel unprepared no matter how many blogs, books, articles, conversations I have with family and friends...it all seems so surreal. Clearly, people adopt every day. I know we will have our time.

I'm not sure what more I can do to make this journey seem real. But right now I'm trying to bask in the simple pleasures of child-free life. Even something as simple as laying on the couch watching really bad reality television, eating cereal for dinner or deciding that I need to go to bed at 9 p.m. (who are we kidding...I like to be in bed by 9 p.m. every night) are things that will be but a distant memory once we have children. I will keep praying that my heart feels prepared for what's to come and that our adoption story becomes not just a story but a reality.